Going into the first treatment I was very nervous. I did all of the things I needed to prepare myself for the treatment. This included eating a big breakfast as I was not supposed to have anything to eat with in four hours of the treatment, as the ketamine can cause nausea. I drank lots of fluids to remain hydrated because this would be an IV infusion and I wanted my veins to be plump and easily accessible. I took all of my medications except my Ativan and Lamictal, since these can interact with the medication and cause it to not be a as effective. I did my daily yoga and saved my meditation practice for when  I was on the way to the appointment. I had heard about the concept of “set and setting” for psychedelic experiences and wanted to ensure I was in the best head space I could be in. I knew I needed to be in the right mindset. Also, the setting would greatly impacted my dissociation. However, from my office visit and seeing a patient room, I knew the setting would be perfect.

When I arrived, the ushered me back to my appointment room. There was a lighted tree on the wall in front of me. There was a stand holding some books and candles. There was some geometric art on the walls. Instrumental music was playing softly in the background. They came in quickly and started the IV. I had used some EMLA cream to numb the area and I never felt the lidocaine injection or the IV placement. Then, they gave me some nausea medication to help and the counselor came in. She was friendly and polite. They started the drip and my husband, who had been with me up until this point left the room. Slowly everything became lighter. I spent the first five minutes speaking with my counselor. The lights had been dimmed and I was focused. They decided I hadn’t been given a strong enough dose, which I suspected would happen since most medications I take I need a high dose to experience therapeutic levels. I remember talking about my brother and his death to the counselor. I noticed the lights on the tree becoming more enticing. The music faded and I was gone. I heard my counselor say, “She’s in lala land.” I could no longer see the room or the face of my counselor. I could see soft white light swirling when I had my eyes open. When my eyes were closed I saw the reflection of the pixelated light on the ceiling and each pixel contained brilliant colors. I could hear my counselor asking questions but I couldn’t speak. There was no sense of time or space. I was aware that I had come to the clinic that day in a car. I was aware that I had a husband and four children I wanted to be with, but there was no sense that I could ever get back to them. I felt like I had transcended in between Heaven and Earth. There was just peace. I remember wondering if I was scared but then quickly telling myself that I was at peace. Every once in awhile the shadow of my therapist would move and it was a little unnerving. She would touch my hands and remind me that she was there. I was cognizant of this but it did not help to bring me back. As soon as the infusion was done, the room began to come back into focus. Slowly shapes and colors, then music, then objects, then people until they were taking out my IV and taking my vitals. My husband was back sitting in the chair in front of me and I was in a fog. Minute by minute my senses and feelings came back. Though I was less heavy. My counselor confirmed that I had enough medication but at too fast a rate and they would adjust that next time. As soon as I felt steady I was allowed to leave.

My husband drove me home, since I was not allowed to drive after the infusion. I laid down for about an hour after I got home. Then, I felt great. I had no worries or stresses, I felt light, I felt better than I had in as long as I can remember. That night I had trouble getting to sleep. I took an extra dose of my night time meds and sleep for about six hours. A huge change for me was that there was no dreaming. I have very intense lucid dreams most nights. This was peaceful. The next day I felt great until about 11 am. Then, the heavy burden returned. My thoughts became more scattered and I needed anxiety medication to control my anxiety. I didn’t have any suicidal feelings or anger. I still felt a little clearer headed than before. It wasn’t until my next infusion that I would feel that relief again.